Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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