I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Randomize
