I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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