my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
