I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
