Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
you traded sex for a burrito?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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