I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
