I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
