I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
After tacos, we're chasing women.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
