News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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