And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
