I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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