hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
