I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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