i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
