Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
