John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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