I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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