I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
