i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
