i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
