is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
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