It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
