Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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