the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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