I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
