im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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