he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
