these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
