Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
