I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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