her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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