Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
