we have pet lesbian snakes
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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