Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
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