apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
