My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
