What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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