I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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