So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
