i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
