Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
