I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
how does that bad decision feel?
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
