Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
