I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
