Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
