When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
how do flat chested girls get laid?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Randomize
