mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
