I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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