Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
