You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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