My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
